Need for Empathy as College Decisions Released

It’s the season for freezing faces, excessive pie-eating, crackling fires, and unwarranted caroling. But, as usual, our annual holiday cheer is accompanied by the college decision season, which brings both gleaming smiles and tear-filled hugs. Some treat the process well, making it constructive, supportive, and relaxed, while others turn it into a combative and aggressive topic. As a student body, we need to come to a consensus on how we should treat college decisions.
As a sophomore, I saw friends, peers, and prefects go through the college process. Now, as junior, I am watching some of my best friends, who are just a year older than me, go through the same thing. Tensions and emotions run high during this time. In many ways, I still feel removed from the culture of it all, but I’ve seen the effect that it has on people close to me for several years.
Our perspectives are fundamentally misguided at Choate. We may think college is the defining factor in determining our capacity for success in the future. In reality, where we attend college is just a small drop in the larger bucket that is our lives. Unfortunately, this obsession with acceptance into a Forbes Top 20 School has become our reality.
In dealing with that reality, it’s time for us to step up and establish some ground rules for dealing with the feeling and emotions students have when receiving news that they believe is life-altering.
I am an adamant advocate for basic empathy. This is a common-sense idea, but people diverge from it all the time. Log on to Face¬book on any major college decision day and see what I am referring to.
Social media posts are seen by everyone and rein¬force two very destructive things. The first is obvious: they make people who don’t get into prestigious dream schools feel horrible. Broadcasting acceptances establishes a destructive hierarchy of intelligence and success based on admission that doesn’t reflect Choate’s values and only makes those who find themselves at the bottom feel worthless.
The second and most damaging thing that posting on social media does is demonstrate to younger students that college is a huge factor in determining social worth for others. When one gets into a great school, he or she is praised tremendously online. Yet, everyone desires that same praise, and by glorifying college acceptances on¬line, we place an unnecessary and unavoidable pres¬sure on students as they go through the college process.
Getting into a great college is in many ways a feat, and you should shout it from the rooftops, but be careful. The first 24 hours after college decisions are released are riddled with emotional instability and serious introspection. Wait a week or two before posting something. Test the waters of how others have done. Keep in mind who might see your celebration. Does that status really re¬quire eleven exclamation points and a photo of your future campus?
Empathy for others in the college process goes far beyond social media too. Far too often, I overhear or am part of conversations that turn into interrogations. “Where did you apply?” “Where did you get in?” “She just got in because she’s a legacy.” “I think he only got it because he’s black.” “I haven’t heard of that school!” Pride is understandable and natural, but overzealous and public narcissism often leads to the destruction of others. The dream of college builds up for over four years, and for a whole class of individuals on a small campus, that dream can be fulfilled or destroyed with the simultaneous click of 200 buttons to refresh an inbox or sign into an application account.
The college process is a mine-field of mixed emotions, fears, tensions, and excitement. In my minimal experience, I’ve seen that the key to navigating it is communication and empathy.
Ask if you can help. Ask if you can provide something. Ask if you want to share your experiences. Ask how some¬one is feeling. And most importantly, ask if someone wants to be left alone.
Above all, Choate is a family. Let’s be there for each other when we need to scream with excitement, dance around the room, and cry out of utter ecstasy. But let’s also be there for each other when we need to ex¬tend a collective shoulder to cry on, provide a conversation that doesn’t revolve around college, or eat a meal without bringing up futures.
On campus, news both bad and good has come recently, and more is on its way. Have some empathy in the next few months. Make this stressful and difficult time easier for your peers. Stay positive, constructive, happy, and supportive—and most importantly, stay sane. En¬courage each other, and have some empathy by looking out for the person next to you.