In February, the writer moderated a conversation about the college process among 11 sixth-formers. Their comments served as a starting point for this article.
Hailing from 35 states and 40 countries, Choate students have drastically different backgrounds, which inevitably influence how one views the college application process. Interconnected factors such as culture, race, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, and knowledge of the American education system all influence one’s outlook towards the process as well.
When asked about their major source of stress at Choate, nearly all of the 18 student interviewees, like clockwork, emphasized the pressure they feel to “pay back” their parents with college acceptances. Many of these parents pay a significant portion, if not all, of Choate’s $60,000 tuition. Health Center Associate Director Ms. Judie Bender explained, “Whether students are aware of it or not, the stress associated with the college application process is often driven by family and parental expectations. There’s the kid whose parents have worked three jobs in order to send them here, and how do you appreciate them for all the hard work that they’ve put in? And then there are parents whose expectations are really high, and who compare their children’s acceptance letters with all their friends. At an environment like Choate, where there are so many high-achieving people, these situations aren’t uncommon.”
Katie Lee ’18 shared a similar observation, saying, “When I visited my old friends in Naperville, IL, I realized how stressed people are here at Choate in comparison. This was a group of people that I have known for a very long time, going through a completely different list of schools, and having a totally different experience and expectations. I was able to put things in perspective.”
For some, family played a more active role in the college application process. Lee benefited from the help of her parents when writing her personal statements. However, she found that the added voice sometimes complicated the matters. “While I was writing and editing my essays, it was so stressful when opinions of my parents and my college counselor were directly the opposite of each other. Sending it back and forth, it was just so much going on, and there were just a lot of voices and conflicting opinions,” she commented. Parents, some found, were a great support system. Zev Nicolai-Scanio ’18 said, “I actually didn’t feel quite as stressed [with the process]. One of it, I had great, productive interactions with my parents around the college process. I had this support, which not everyone necessarily is lucky enough to benefit from.”
Other students chose to navigate the process without their family’s influence, albeit for different reasons. In response to Nicolai-Scanio during the panel, James Rose ’18 said, “My parents were sort of the opposite of Zev’s in that they were very, very stressed about always starting early, and that added a lot of stress to the situation. Because of my older brother, who was a student athlete, they wanted me to shape my high school experience in a certain way. They would always try to find ways to try to change my activities from things that I enjoyed, and it caused a lot of friction along the way. When it got to that winding down of the college process, I ended up shutting my parents out of it, focusing in really hard by myself.” Because of some parents’ lack of knowledge about the process, some students felt more comfortable and understood on the Choate campus. For Donessa Colley ’18, the difference between home and Choate was “the difference between being in the driver’s seat alone and being in a car with people supporting [her].” She added, “My parents didn’t have a good idea of how the app process really worked, and I felt an immense amount of stress explaining to my parents the different aspects. My counselor would help me a lot, and I did feel more supported at Choate, just because a lot of people knew what was going on. I think that, in a sense, yes, there is a sense of competition, but I also just liked being in a place where I didn’t have to explain anything.”
Ananya Karanam ’18 described a productive interaction with her parents. “My parents left me on my own to make the list, mostly. There were schools that I really liked and felt that really had a great institutional fit for me, and even though they may have not felt the same way, they recognized how I felt and respected my decisions.”
